Let me ask you only this: Did you receive the Spirit by works of the law or by hearing with faith? Are you so foolish? Having begun by the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh? Did you suffer so many things in vain—if indeed it was in vain? —Galatians 3:2-5
You are not the project manager for your sanctification.
You are not in charge of your spiritual growth.
If you are anything like me, this feels awkward and uncomfortable. I like feeling like I am in charge!
When I hear a sermon and feel convicted, I usually turn up the temperature of my spiritual disciplines. I am tempted to extend my daily reading and prayer time or swap out my secular music for worship (don’t get me wrong, these are good things). This is probably the most logical response that we can have when we sense conviction.
We are usually self-aware enough to know that we are not aligned with the ideal that our pastor is laying out. We know that we have a will, and can do something differently if we’d like to. Maybe you end up changing a habit or two.
This works out pretty well if you are a young believer or are new to the faith. The Holy Spirit gifts us consolation, which is the felt experience of God. It’s that feeling when you are praying or reading your Bible and you feel directly ministered to. It’s like God is in the room with you (He is!) However, as we continue on our spiritual journey, God also gifts us times of desolation. That is, times when His felt presence is not felt.
And these times can feel really confusing. Particularly if you are keeping up the same spiritual disciplines as you were in those seasons when you felt closer to God. It makes you wonder if you are doing something wrong. And as things continue to feel more disconnected, we often double down on trying to sanctify ourselves. Listening to sermons on our way to work or praying for an extra 10 minutes every morning, in hopes of cultivating the connection with God we felt before.
I wrote about this extensively in my piece, When it stops feeling like God is there.
One of the gifts of The Wall—a period of time where you don’t experience God’s felt presence—is that you learn that you were never in charge of your spirituality. It’s always been God deciding what we need and when. This feels hard to wrestle with. Why would God intentionally give me a season when I don’t feel His presence?
