The concept of tithing is confusing when you are a kid. That’s what led me to stare at my ceiling, holding up a dollar bill to God, asking Him to take my allowance directly. I wondered aloud why the Church had to be the middleman when God could simply take the cash out of my hand. He is God, after all.
I admire my faith at that age. My imagination was full to the brim with stories of God breaking into human history, freeing the Israelites from Egypt, parting the Red Sea and most importantly, God sending His only Son into human history, in the form of a baby in a manger. With these narratives lodged deeply in my mind, I extended my arm up, aching, wondering why He would not take my money. I remember this annoying me—a lot. God, are you there? I wondered. Quietly, of course.
I knew the right answer in Sunday School was, yes! He is there. Why has He not talked to me yet, then? I thought.
It was around this time that my children’s pastor, Ms. Malia, shared that when she was our age (I was about 6 years old at the time) that God spoke to her. I can still remember the thrill of her story, how she was lying down for bed and asked God to speak and He talked to her, out loud. What does God’s voice sound like? I wondered.
This led me to spend the next few years asking God to speak to me, squeezing my eyes shut in anticipation, hoping for a deep, heavenly voice to penetrate my eardrums.
Spoiler alert: it never happened.
I have never heard God speak to me in that way before. I am confident that He does speak in that way to some of His children because of the testimonies I have heard. But I am also confident that He has chosen not to speak to me in that way. There used to be a lot of anger and grief bound up in that, but I have sensed an invitation from God in that disappointment.
I wonder if you have certain ways you wish God would speak to you.
Or maybe He used to speak in a particular way, but you haven’t heard from Him much these days.
Long ago, at many times and in many ways, God spoke to our fathers by the prophets, but in these last days he has spoken to us by his Son, whom he appointed the heir of all things, through whom also he created the world. –Hebrews 1:1-2
God has already spoken to you—through his Son, the Word. When we crave to hear from God, perhaps we would be best suited to simply read the words our Lord has spoken to us in His Word.
I read something recently that said the Word of God is like a prism. Light always reflects from it, but it bounces in different ways based on how we hold it—my hope is that my devotionals can be a different way of holding the Word. God is faithful to always illuminate His Word in new ways, should we open ourselves to that.
That picture of a prism also feels poignant in seasons where God feels far away, or we are waiting to hear an answer from Him. In the waiting, we would do well to gaze at that prism, holding it up for examination, letting the light pour through in new ways.
I remember a spiritual direction session I had a few years ago, when I was in a difficult season and I lamented to my spiritual director about how God was not speaking to me. I can’t remember her exact question, but it was something like, “What would God speaking to you look like?” and I was not sure what to say. I rambled on about wanting certainty, a theme in my walk with God, and I just wanted confirmation from Him that I was on the right path.
Something like that.
As I reflect on my seasons of faith, I am grateful God did not speak to me in the way I wanted Him to.
There are a lot of quotes from the mystics and the desert mothers and fathers about God speaking through or in silence. A lot like this:
This can feel particularly annoying when you are in a part of your faith journey where you feel like, as the kids say, God left you on heard.
This semester, I have prayed in a way I never have before. I don’t want to say I am praying more than I ever have, because I think there are seasons where I pray a lot more, but in shorter bursts. But I will say I have never been this intentional about prayer!
In seminary, I have two to three prayer projects each week. These will include a variety of prompts and things to pray for, but a lot of it is just sitting and listening for the calm, quiet voice of the Spirit for an hour at a time. A lot of times, some phrase or idea comes up that feels like it is from God. It is usually Him telling me to slow down. But a lot of times I sit there, and I am just in the silence.
It used to feel lonely, but it feels more like the sweet silence of being next to a loved one while you watch a movie. You are doing something together, but you don’t need to speak. Except instead of a movie, we are usually looking at my life together or the state of my soul :)
As a friend of God, I have learned that those shared silences with God, whether we feel held or alone, are just as sacred as the moments when it feels like He is speaking to us directly.
Because I make Christian content online, I often get messages from people telling me how my work on Substack or other platforms has really impacted them. Stewarding this platform is a privilege and something I do not take lightly. But I have found that when I follow another Christian girlie, I can sometimes put them on a pedestal, thinking that they must have a three-hour quiet time routine every day and that God speaks to them directly in a way He does not to me. It is important for me to distinguish that is not me! (I don’t think that most people who are like that have Instagram or TikTok either LOL)
But God has chosen to speak to me in a particular, quiet way. A way I am growing to love and cherish deeply. Every week, I wait for God to give me something to write about for this devotional and every week, something comes up. He prompts me to write about something! I even had a post that almost went live yesterday, but after a time of prayer last night, He told me there was a change of plans. He did not say it in those terms, but my mind shifted to a topic I had not considered writing about: how God speaks to me! I sensed some direction from the Spirit and went ahead with the idea, and sure enough, a long outline popped out of me out of nowhere.
Usually, God speaking to me feels like little nudges. I try to open myself to hear from the Spirit and test what comes up with Scripture and what I know to be true about God. This is something I do throughout my writing process or when I make any content online. I just assume if I really care about a topic that God probably wants me to talk about that. If something keeps coming up that I know He cares about, I consider it my duty to write or talk about it. That’s how I sense Him speaking to me.
I don’t know what God speaking looks like for you, but I want to say that His not speaking to you audibly or in obvious signs or wonders is not reflective of your faith. He is not punishing you by withholding that kind of revelation. He simply has something else for you. He is in the silence, even when we feel alone in it. Simply ask, God, are you there? When you wonder if He is with you. He is, friend.
If you want to hear from God more this year, I encourage you to integrate more moments of silence in your day and moments of reflecting on the Word.
The Word became flesh. When God feels far, we can read the words of the Word—Christ Jesus. These words can be comforting in seasons where silence feels disorienting.
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. —Matthew 11:28
With all that being said, here is this week’s prayer prompt. I pray that it will be illuminating and fruitful, whatever comes of it.
Prayer Prompt: God, are you there?
Find a comfortable place to pray. Close your eyes and relax your body, let go of any tension you may be holding.
5 minutes: How has God spoken to you this week?
10 minutes: Read Hebrews 1:1. Then, tell God honestly how you want Him to speak to you. Don’t hold back, be honest. Do you want to hear him audibly, through a friend or a sign or wonder?
5 minutes: Read John 10:11-18 a few times.
10 minutes: Simply sit and be receptive to the Spirit. Rest with God in the quiet.
My hope for my devotionals is not to add another thing to your spiritual to-do list, but to help you orient yourself to your present reality and to look for where the light is pouring in. I pray that this ministered to you.
Your friend,
Sometimes I read post like this and it’s like “so other people feel this way and are doing XYZ to navigate this? Oh that’s encouraging I’m not crazy!”
Great post!
It is so encouraging to know that I am not the only one who often feels this way! We need to step away from our tendency toward feelings-based faith!